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Aside

One experience that completely changed myself, excluding my rehab and getting sober, would be my actual drinking and pill popping. I was so ill that I didn’t realize what I was doing belonged to the habits of an ill person. Bipolar disorder aside, I really had a problem with alcohol and pain pills. In The Thirteenth Step, Hayden remembers her first drink. That was my first drink, at an off-campus party with a girl who lived down the hall. I remember that first tentative sip of beer. It didn’t take very many drinks for me to get drunk that night. Although my descent into substance abuse was not immediate, I was hooked from that very first night. I did, however, quickly turn into a weekend warrior until my drinking escalated to the point of hiding vodka bottles and downing shots after my roommates had gone to bed. I was always very secretive about my drinking. Yes, I drank when I went to bars. But many times I tried to hide my urge to drink out in public by only having one or two drinks, then binging as soon as I returned home.

My fast downward spiral was frightening, and just a few months before my admittance to a psychiatric hospital then rehab I was completely aware I had a problem. I knew I needed to stop, and although they were poor attempts, I tried. But I found myself right back at the bottom of a bottle. I liked to mix my alcohol with pain pills. The combination was my poor but effective way of dealing with my sleeplessness. I was very much self-medicating. There were too many horrible thoughts racing through my mind that I couldn’t handle.

My experiences with a drinking and pain pill problem taught me a great lesson: I now know who I never want to be again. I never want to go back to that chaotic place filled with horrible thoughts and despair. I hope no one ever has to see that side of me again.

But for the grace of God, go I.

Experiences.

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Came to believe…

…that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Alcoholism and addiction are very powerful things. As someone with 5 years of sobriety, I have learned the power my addictions can have over me.

I’d like to share a little bit of wisdom that I have learned over the years. First, there is no shame in admitting you have a problem. I remember the morning I realized I had a problem and it had hit me hard. It left me feeling ashamed and worthless. “What have I become?” was a constant question that plagued me. I had just turned 21, meaning I no longer had to rely on somebody else to supply my addiction. My shame only fueled my habits, and it became a daily ritual of shame, drink, and more shame.

It is okay to ask for help. For years, I had a very hard time asking for help. I liked to bottle everything up and pretend I was okay. I believed myself to be stronger than I really was, but I was only drowning my sorrows and fears with pills and alcohol. Not asking for help before I hit rock bottom landed me in a psychiatric hospital, followed by outpatient rehab.

Remember that you are loved. No matter what you may feel or think inside your head, there is somebody out there who cares.

 
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Posted by on March 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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