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TMS treatment #6

Today was not too bad. I must be getting used to the woodpecker feeling on my head as I could have fallen asleep in the chair. I noticed this weekend a little improvement already in my mood. The nurse who was administering my treatment today asked how I was feeling, and I told her a felt a little relieved. She looked mildly surprised and said she had never heard anyone describe it that way.

To clarify, I am beginning to feel relief from the on and off hopelessness, the poor self esteem, and the despair, to name a few. It was irritating to be up and down all day long, going from sort of okay to totally depressed.

But this weekend I noticed a little change. I noticed that I didn’t feel so hopeless. I felt a little lighter. I felt more than my usual so-so. This is what brought me to describe it as relief. I actually smiled without someone trying to make me laugh. Maybe people will stop telling me to smile because I will be smiling on my own accord. I feel this development on my mood is promising for the TMS.

I also wrote a nice four page letter to my insurance company asking why they considered TMS as “investigational” when I have a list of other states that cover it. I sent them this list along with my letter. I did find a document from 2011 explaining why they decided to to cover it. It listed five reasons. I disputed each reason in my letter. I am not backing down on this one. I’ll write as many letters and make as many phone calls as it takes to get the insurance company to cover TMS.

Watch out, insurance company.

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Posted by on April 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Quote

It is impossible to discourage the real writers – they don’t give a damn what you say, they’re going to write. ~Sinclair Lewis

I truly enjoyed writing my first book. It was a work I did for NaNoWriMo (www.nanowrimo.org – National Novel Writing Month), which explains why I hastily wrote it in two weeks and it is only a little over 50,000 words. But I had fun with it. It was a story that’s been in my head for a few years and I was never quite able to get it out. I do give my fiancee much credit for putting up with my being on the computer 24/7. The more I work on my second novel (with a goal of 100,000 words), the more I realize how much better I could have done on The Thirteenth Step. I wish I had not rushed through it and taken more care in proofreading and editing. I am my own worst critic. I was just so excited to have finally written a novel. I was so proud.

We do learn from our mistakes, which is why I am taking a lot of time on my current work and am enjoying the process. I’ve been reading books about writing books – opinions on them? – and gleaning what I can. I have always had a love for language and grammar – I studied Spanish from middle school into college (pero hace muchos años que lo estudie en el colegio – if any of my grammar is off, for you Spanish speakers, please correct me c: ). I’d love to be fluent in Spanish, or I’d at least settle for reading an entire book in Spanish.

Being done with my ramblings, I’d just like to say that I commend all you other authors of fiction, non-fiction, bloggers, poets, columnists, etc. out there who refuse to give up.

It is impossibl…

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2014 in text, Uncategorized

 

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Aside

One experience that completely changed myself, excluding my rehab and getting sober, would be my actual drinking and pill popping. I was so ill that I didn’t realize what I was doing belonged to the habits of an ill person. Bipolar disorder aside, I really had a problem with alcohol and pain pills. In The Thirteenth Step, Hayden remembers her first drink. That was my first drink, at an off-campus party with a girl who lived down the hall. I remember that first tentative sip of beer. It didn’t take very many drinks for me to get drunk that night. Although my descent into substance abuse was not immediate, I was hooked from that very first night. I did, however, quickly turn into a weekend warrior until my drinking escalated to the point of hiding vodka bottles and downing shots after my roommates had gone to bed. I was always very secretive about my drinking. Yes, I drank when I went to bars. But many times I tried to hide my urge to drink out in public by only having one or two drinks, then binging as soon as I returned home.

My fast downward spiral was frightening, and just a few months before my admittance to a psychiatric hospital then rehab I was completely aware I had a problem. I knew I needed to stop, and although they were poor attempts, I tried. But I found myself right back at the bottom of a bottle. I liked to mix my alcohol with pain pills. The combination was my poor but effective way of dealing with my sleeplessness. I was very much self-medicating. There were too many horrible thoughts racing through my mind that I couldn’t handle.

My experiences with a drinking and pain pill problem taught me a great lesson: I now know who I never want to be again. I never want to go back to that chaotic place filled with horrible thoughts and despair. I hope no one ever has to see that side of me again.

But for the grace of God, go I.

Experiences.

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Counting.

Just wanted to say… 1 month 3 weeks 6 days until I marry my best friend. Oh and 22 hours.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Shoes

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Another photo from Charleston. I have yet to go in this store, but it calls my name every time I walk by it. Especially if it has shoes like these (which, by the way, I purchased from Belk and will be my wedding shoes):

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I can’t help it. I have a thing for glittery shoes.

 
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Posted by on March 3, 2014 in photo, Uncategorized

 

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Image

Neeeerds!

Neeeerds!

My goofy purple glasses (which I secretly am very fond of) and purple ombre shirt. I am not one for very many selfies. My profile picture was taken back in September! Do I look like an author with these glasses on? c:

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Came to believe…

…that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Alcoholism and addiction are very powerful things. As someone with 5 years of sobriety, I have learned the power my addictions can have over me.

I’d like to share a little bit of wisdom that I have learned over the years. First, there is no shame in admitting you have a problem. I remember the morning I realized I had a problem and it had hit me hard. It left me feeling ashamed and worthless. “What have I become?” was a constant question that plagued me. I had just turned 21, meaning I no longer had to rely on somebody else to supply my addiction. My shame only fueled my habits, and it became a daily ritual of shame, drink, and more shame.

It is okay to ask for help. For years, I had a very hard time asking for help. I liked to bottle everything up and pretend I was okay. I believed myself to be stronger than I really was, but I was only drowning my sorrows and fears with pills and alcohol. Not asking for help before I hit rock bottom landed me in a psychiatric hospital, followed by outpatient rehab.

Remember that you are loved. No matter what you may feel or think inside your head, there is somebody out there who cares.

 
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Posted by on March 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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